This week, during “Hunt for Happiness Week” we’ve examined whether the hunt for happiness was a cause of infidelity, and we considered whether having a love affair (and subsequently, divorcing) resulted in a greater degree of happiness. Yesterday we began winding down the week by examining the Love Kindlers that are shared by both women and men. Today it’s Part Two of the Love Kindlers, with local suggestions to find happiness in your relationship or re-discover happiness after an affair.
Yesterday in Part one of this series (“Find Happiness After Infidelity—Part One”) the idea was proposed to think of the love in a marriage as a campfire. There are actions that a spouse can take that would put out the fire, like pouring water on a flame, and those actions are Love Extinguishers. They will kill the flame of love in your marriage. There are other actions that a spouse can take that rekindle the flame and build it back up into a roaring blaze of passion. Those actions are Love Kindlers and they tend to be the actions that make a person happy. The pursuit of happiness is a choice that is made, and usually when a couple marries, it’s because the Love Extinguishers are few, the Love Kindlers are many, and the loved one’s actions coincide with their idea of pursuing happiness. They feel love and feel happy, and that is a positive emotion… so they marry.
If the happiness drained out of the marriage and one of the spouses had an affair, the love and happiness can be regained. Here in Oregon there are GREAT resources help in the hunt for happiness! Step one is to stop doing the actions that extinguish love. Step two is to start (or re-start) doing the actions that kindle love. Both men and women have seven categories of Love Kindlers that are basic human needs. They are emotional commitment, spiritual commitment, physical commitment, financial commitment, family commitment, social commitment, security commitment. In the article “It’s a new year and a new chance to rebuild love after infidelity” there were two common Love Kindlers mentioned for each gender, with some local resources: Conversation and Affection for women, and Companionship and Sex for men. Yesterday I offered local resources for the first three of the major categories of Love Kindlers: emotional commitment, spiritual commitment, and physical commitment. Today, let’s round out the list with the rich options here in the Portland Metro area to help couples pursue happiness in these seven basic human needs and restore the love in their marriage.
- This is the need to be able to provide for the family’s monetary needs, pay bills, live a lifestyle that’s mutually acceptable, and contribute to income for the family.
- What with the current economy, this can be a REAL pressure in marriages today, as many couples feel the pinch of losing one income or having to cut back. Two of the BEST resources I can think of to help with financial commitment would be our own financial examiners: Portland Economy Examiner, Portland Your Money Examiner, and Portland Personal Finance Examiner.
- This is the need to have your loved one make time for spouse and children, share household chores, share child rearing, say ‘yes’ more than ‘no’, and have a day off now and then.
- Again, the aerochug.com has an AMAZING whole section on Family and Parenting, so if you need a refresher course on child rearing please turn to our Portland Family and Parenting Examiners (On a personal note, I have to confess to being a HUGE fan of our Portland Fatherhood Examiner Please check out his articles!) Another great resource is Enjoy Parenting Again. She’s located on the corner of NW Kearney and 20th.
- This is the need to be included in spouse’s activities, encouraged and supported in social situations, share fun and enjoyable activities together, share joy and laughter, and engage in appropriate public displays of affection. This is the need for some free time with others, the desire for your spouse to be a companion, the need to connect via conversation, and the need to have someone listen well.
- Oh this one is a toughie because it usually has more to do with the attitude than “lack of events” but if you love rugby and s/he loves car shows, I’d suggest going to the Portland “Things to Do” area of the aerochug.com for a variety of events from museums and plays to sports to current run movies to comics in town. Find something that you BOTH enjoy and go have some fun. And if you need to sharpen your conversation skills, in addition to the links I’ve already suggested, take a peek at “The Art of Conversation: A Conversation Tool for Couples” on Self Growth.com
- This is the need for support in times of crisis, a partner who will stand by you through thick and thin, a spouse who is loyal and committed, relationship isn’t “in the balance” over a fight, a life partner who is there for you, and a home that is your soft place to fall.
- After an affair this is one of the basic human needs that can really take a hit. To rebuild that trust in your spouse, I have to honestly suggest that you contact me as I’m a great resource! My contact information is below this article. But for an additional option in regaining happiness and trust after an affair you can contact The Portland Relationship Center.
©2010 Cindy J. Taylor. You may repost with copyright notice and link back to this original article!
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Cindy writes and blogs about infidelity and affair-free marriages on her website Affaircare.com. You can connect with her via email: [email protected] | on Twitter | or Facebook |