Dear Girlfriend of a Gamer,
Well, it’s finally happened. You were minding your own business and being the wonderful person you are then this quite adorable, socially challenged, and unspeakably awkward gamer came along. You have managed to fall for the smuck. In the process of doing so you have managed to take a backseat to another woman. A woman who, probably the most enormous [insert derogatory term here] ever, sometimes goes by the aliases Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC, or Nintendo Wii.
You’re probably wondering how you can compete with something that has a 250 gig hard drive. Don’t forget that you possess things that the video game console does not. While gamer-boyfriend has seemed to let this fact slide, all you have to do is present the information to him in a way that he will respond to.
First, gamers are surrounded by constant stimulation of their senses. Their fingers sensually caressing the controller, constant gentle beeping and loads of sound effects, flashing lights, big explosions, and women who seemed to have misplaced key components of their outfits. Hint, you should start dressing like these women in the video games. I can feel you questioning me right now. You know what the woman on the video game console has that you don’t? Your boyfriend’s attention. (Need some lotion for that burn?)
Don’t ask questions, just do it. You need a pair of short shorts and belly shirt or a spandex body suit. The spandex body suit should not be zipped up completely, as to no-so- tastefully provide onlookers a view of your chest area. You’ll also need a double y cup size. As in “y” in the name of physics am I able to run, jump, and fight bad guys when my boobs clearly weigh as much as I do? Finally, you’ll want to place flashing lights somewhere on yourself. Preferably in the spot(s) where you want him to focus his attention.
Okay, now you’ve got the visual covered. We need to take care of exciting his audio senses. Find a theme song that will play every time you enter a room, maybe a bouncy j-pop synth jingle or some indie rock music. Now that we’ve covered the main senses gamers connect with video games we need to be strategic in keeping gamer-boyfriend’s attention. You’ll also need the next step to ensure a good “performance” from him.
When gamer boyfriend does something right I suggest screaming, “BONUS POINT!!” and making strange noises for about five seconds. One would do this, in order to get his gamer brain to recognize that he has done something worth doing again. It would also be a good idea to set some kind of prize system in place. At your own preference you should assign prizes aligned with the amount of times gamer can make you yell, “BONUS POINT!!”. As to give gamer the extra incentive needed to make this happen more often. This does not have to be just with physical things, it also works well in conversations.
Okay, now this was going to be the part where I inserted a pun taking the popular gamer phrase “I’m in ur base killing ur dudes” and twisting it into something sexual, but that would be in bad taste and ,obviously, I am too tactful and full of class to do such a thing. . . . .in bed.