Image via Wonkette
What’s that you hear? Oh, just the agonizing cries of Teddy Kennedy from six feet under as he watches his life’s work be ripped to shreds by a male prostitute model who loves tea. Or is it bags?
Either way, the important thing here is that Massachusetts has taken a stand against America’s precarious slide toward Socialism and the preposterous idea that every citizen deserves access to affordable, quality health care. Puh-lease! That’s reserved for the good people of Massachusetts and them alone, thank you very much!
You see, here in the homo haven of Taxachussetts, they already have mandatory health coverage (the best in the nation!) so to be honest they don’t really give a hootenanny what happens to the rest of you poor, pathetic schlubs. No offense or anything.
It’s true! Why else would dumb Massachusetts want to replace its southern neighbor Connecticut as the worst thing to happen to these United States since unleashing that Joe Lieberman disease upon the world?
Certainly, there must be some reasonable explanation why the most liberal state in all the land just elected a gas guzzling, truck-drivin’ Republican with a penchant for baring it all in glossy magazine spreads as the newest Senator to go to Washington to enact change by refusing to cooperate with that colored man on any plans he may have to achieve said change. This is a non-negotiable rule and oath every proud Grand Old Party member must take before serving the people as their elected obstructionist representative.
So the big question for Democrats becomes what to do now that their precious supermajority is no more? Should they simply concede victory to the Republicans and hand over complete control of the White House and Congress now instead of dithering around until the actual elections officially hand them their unceremonious exits?
In fact, since this means the end of health care reform as we know it (a retarded three-toed sloth), and certainly the end of that dismal FAILURE Barack Obama’s 365-day disaster, why doesn’t Scott go ahead and assume his rightful place as the exciting, new president of these United States?
He has all the necessary criteria: like our current commander-in-chief, he’s a formerly unknown state senator catapulted into the national stage by getting elected to the U.S. Senate. He’s got mad sex appeal, is young, fun, and knows a thing or two about wooing the ladies. Plus, unlike many of his Republican brethren, he is not a closeted homosexual trolling for anonymous man tail in Minneapolis airport men’s rooms. Or at least, so far.
Clearly, his unprecedented success at defeating a terrible candidate in a wild, teabagger-fueled anti-incumbent (and anti-government) wave of hysteria means this man is ready to lead the country, effective immediately.
Hell, why not just swear the guy in now and save everyone the trouble of having to actually vote. That way, we can immediately begin repairing the 12-month catastrophe of Barack Obama and those terrible Democrats, and get things back to George W. Bush’s blissful eight-year reign of peace and prosperity, nostalgically referred to as Pax Republicana.
Then I think we can all say Mission Accomplished!