Living and dying in Deseret? Do you recall those old TV commercials that pictured Mormons as the epitome of mental health, friendly neighborliness, and wholesome “family values”? (Whatever is meant by “family values.”) Sure you do. A Mormon family is seated in front of a fireplace, the childrens’ eyes alight with joy as their dad reads to them from the B of M. (Book of Mormon not Bowel of Movement.) Then the narrator says something such as, “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We put the ‘Saint’ in Saints.” Or some other bong-twaddle along similar lines.
Moving to Salt Lake City one would expect new arrivals in a predominantly Mormon neighborhood to experience at least one of those many surreal commercials. Perhaps the one where the new arrivals open their door and behold a number of Stepford Wives, sporting rictus grins, holding forth yummy baked goods and a hearty “Welcome to the neighborhood!” Yeah, that one. That was the best one because it caused one to think that, hey, free apple pie is fine by me even if it is delivered by someone wearing magic underwear and who shut down their critical thinking. (Remember the magic underwear the next time a Mormon comes to your door or you watch the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Feel free to comment.)
Driving anywhere in Utah is a real eye-opener as to the actual effects of the Mormon (Did you know that Mormon is ancient Greek for monster?*) religion on those whom it has turned into pod people. Listening to the glowing testiphonials of Mormon missionaries, one would think Mormon roads and highways to be nearly idyllic and free of the usual road-shenanigans engaged in by we “gentiles.” (As the Mormons so affectionately refer to non-Mormons.) Alas, tis not true. There are just as many drunken and/or crazy careening speeders, bumper humpers, lane-weavers, creepers, crawlers, flipper-offers, smell phoners, and out-and-out stoners as anywhere else on planet Earth. Guaranteed.
“Just a Closer Walk with Thee” means “Get out of my way or I’ll run you off the road! I’m late for church!”
That said, Mormonism is good for the economy because of the constant construction of new Mormon churches. (Called, fittingly enough, “wards.”) This construction activity calls for goods and services. Which of course is grand for the economy as we all know. (Blah blah blah.) Mormons are also generous to those in need with their own brand of foods made by Deseret Industries. According to Joe Smith, Deseret is “Reformed Egyptian” for honeybee, and the bizzy bees in Utah are busy indeed. Working two or three jobs to support their ever-growing families and pay the LDS hierarchy 10% of their gross wages. Talk about skimming scams! Ten percent right off the top!
Just remember, as Captain Kirk said to his romantic interest, in reference to the brain-drained Vulcan, in the film The Search For Spock: “He had too much LDS in the sixties.”
Nate Merritt aka Venerable Lantien Shanfa, author of JEHOVAH UNMASKED! The True Identity of the Bible-god Revealed
*Mormon Mor”mon, prop. n. [NL., fr. Gr. mormw`n monster, bugbear.] Source: The Collaborative International Dictionary of English v.0.48