It’s a new year – the perfect time to find a new love. If it doesn’t work out, you’ve got the rest of the year to get it right. The process: you meet someone you’re interested in; you date; you build a relationship or drop it – easy, right?
Well, dating can seem like a futile effort for those over the 40-year age mark. Let’s start with scarcity of prospects. There are a reported 1.6 million people residing in the great “brick city” over the age of 15 with half that amount having ‘tied the knot’. Not to mention, time has now crossed enemy lines and we are less willing to put up with time-wasters. I often hear the statement, “Stop wasting my precious time!” Well, over 40, it’s priceless!
Now whether you are divorced or single there is a lot to be said about looking for love at “mid-life.” I’m often asked by females why it’s so hard to find the right guy and why when you do find someone who is unattached it ends up he only wants “that thing”. Well, here are the bad news ladies, no matter what the age the ‘weeding out’ process doesn’t get easier. Furthermore, guys have it just as tough as we do. This is not about gender at all.
I’m a divorced woman over 40 and I have to tell you finding Mr. Right is an uphill journey filled with bad, bizarre and chaotic relationships, some of which will leave you with a lot of scar tissue.
Honestly, dating is a risk we all take that’s an absolute MUST if you want a long-lasting relationship. Diving in is analytic to jumping into an ocean without a life boat. If the sharks don’t get you, Moby will.
With that said, let’s do a little risk management and look at these dating characteristic red flags:
Now, I’m not suggesting you avoid dating guys with the name ‘Hank’. Used here, the word, ‘hank’, is short for a hanker; a guy who’s always talking about his former girlfriend, wife or unrequited love object. Hank talks about what she said or did and always compares something you said or did to her. If he idealized her, you will never be able to match her perfect image. If he hated her, you will always find yourself having to prove you are not like her. This is not a relationship it’s a class project. Pass on this one, ladies, unless you’re okay living with ghosts.
As the very talented singer, Lauryn Hill, put it so aptly, guys watch out cause some girls are only about that thang! Some women are so afraid of holding it down they seek donors they can trap into a ‘child support’ situation. The perfect scenario – so they think.
Guys don’t fall for it! If you meet someone who constantly talks about marriage and a family – run! If a woman is not willing to take the time to really get to know you she’s not worth your time.
While Slick Rick might charm his way into your life, the uninvited goes straight for the jugular. They expect that you are immediately going to “give it up” right away. They think we are needy and that our need overrides our judgment. Given the moment and how long you’ve been without a date that might be true, but it ain’t gonna be that easy dude.
The uninvited don’t feel the need for an invitation, since they appear to think we are in a perpetual state of “heat.” I went on a date to the movies with this guy. Pretty safe venue, so I thought. All during the movie he’s feeling on my thighs and trying to kiss my neck. Then he invited himself back to my crib. “Get real, you don’t know me like that!” I think that’s such a turn-off. Most guys would interpret my reaction as stiff and stuck-up. Get over it dudes – some of us 40+ women are the sexiest women alive! Come correct and you might last long enough to find out first hand.
Here’s a tip: Pepper spray, a pocketknife and some money for a cab can be your best friends when confronted with these types of guys. Just don’t forget you’ve got the spray and knife in your purse when you go to pay a ticket at the courthouse!
This type of dater addresses both genders. There are so many people out there with their own master plan. They might just be with you to drain all your resources until they get on their feet and you know what happens then – see ya next life time! Be careful, if he or she is not bringing anything to the table it’s probably not the best match. Don’t get me wrong, bringing doesn’t always imply that the contribution should be of monetary value. Bottom line, if the other party isn’t enhancing the relationship it’s a lose-lose situation.
In summary, there are no guarantees in life especially when it comes to relationships, but you will have a lot better chance at successful dating when avoiding folks with these ‘time-waster’ characteristics.
Email me with any questions you have or topics you’d like to read at: [email protected]