Pairing the right wine with the right pizza—it’s like trying to pair the right lead actress with Adam Sandler. The better question is, is this coupling going to be even believable in the slightest?
Most non-Italians think that it’s fine to drink a little wine with pizza. Of course, most of those people also have an opinion about the correct NyQuil flavor pairing with cookie dough ice cream. Such cases demand another, more important question: What mistakes have we made in our lives that led us to this dilemma? How did it ever come to pizza and wine? Can anyone be talked out of the strawberry Nyquil, no matter the ice cream?
Of course, nowadays pizzas aren’t all delivered. Some aren’t even better than delivery (DiGiorno). Some pizzas are served in fancy restaurants with male waiters and toppings that would make a red state blush. You can get smoked rainbow salmon, sliced avocado, sun-dried pears, hell you can even get locally baked Clay Aiken on your California Pizza Kitchen (CPK-SSR) pizza in these trying times. Pizzas can be just as fancy, just as dandy as wine. Come to think of it, Drew Barrymore is actually an accurate pairing with Adam Sandler.
It’s time to get past the shame. Pizza can be paired with wine. There are only two exceptions, and it’s easy to get around them. Just ask yourself these two additional questions: Am I asking for a wine menu from a man in a giant mouse costume, and do I know the child whose birthday we’re celebrating?
When picking a pizza, crust thickness is of the utmost importance. Thin is in and thick is di-ick! You’ve got to be some kind of uncultured redneck to eat any pizza with a crust that’s thick enough to impregnate with sauce, cheese or meat. If there is a layer of cheese in your crust, have the nearest Clay Aiken suck it out now! Let’s all have a hard sip of wine, people! Next rule: If your pizza’s crust is thin, fold up that slice and pretend it’s thick. Thick is dick, girl!
So you have a thin crust pizza and an Adam Sandler romantic comedy. What possible wine could even begin to turn things around for you? Try box wine. Actually, get some NyQuil. Pour a fourth of a glass of NyQuil (grape flavor) and the rest a steady helping of box wine. Pour one for yourself and chug hard. Drink for a blackout. If there’s one thing you need to know about pairing wine with pizza, it’s plausible deny-ability. Things will run smoothly if you’ve practiced eyebrow movements and you’re frat is totally cool.
Enjoy your pizza and your wine, Omaha!