“Recently the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life ranked Oklahoma as the seventh most religious state in America with 69 percent of Oklahomans stating that religion is very important in their lives. This news is both wonderful and quite troubling — wonderful in that the tenets of Christianity are widely accepted and mostly understood, troubling because Christianity is rarely implemented resulting in transformed lives. Non-believers near and far see [Oklahoma’s] high teen pregnancy rates, rampant drug abuse, failed marriages and overabundant materialism and wonder if this Jesus really matters? Truth be told, these statistical facts of Oklahoma are not an indictment of Christ, but of us, his Christians.” —
Phillip W. Smith, Oklahoma City, letter to the editor published in Muskogee Phoenix, based on research released by The Pew Forum
Host: We’re back for our last in a series with Pastor Wilbur Straightshooter of the Second Baptist Church of Onhava, Oklahoma. Pastor Wilbur is giving us some tips on how to watch the Super Bowl this Sunday. The Big Game is now only three days away. Welcome back, Pastor Wilbur.
Pastor Wilbur Straightshooter: And in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, Peyton Manning washed away in a hurricane we want the most. Amen.
Host: Pastor, you’re not hoping that the star quarterback of the Colts get killed, are you?
PWS: Not killed, brother. Just washed away at sea for a spell. The Baptist Rescue Fellowship can find him Monday morning off Miami Beach. Our helicopters will capture it all.
Host: You and your church have a bet on the Saints plus 6 points. So you want to, ummm, increase your chances of winning…
PWS: (Winks.) The Lord’s given you the vision, too. Glad to see it. Plus the monsoon rains of a hurricane could lead to a 3-0 final score. We’d cover the spread and collect our winnings. If God’s ways of dealing with sinners was good enough for Noah and his ark, well, it’s good enough for our Family Center for Heterosexuals Only.
Host: Pastor, yesterday we left off on the topic of consuming alcohol. Studies have shown that Americans drink more before, during, and after the Super Bowl than any other holiday.
PWS: Well, we’re telling our congregation to stay away from the liquor store just on the other side of the county line. And don’t watch any of those beer ads for 48 hours before the game. And not during the game. Though the one with Beyonce singing, “Come, taste this,” make it hard for me to avert my eyes. (Stares off into space with a gigantic smile.)
Host: Liquor store just on the other side of the county line?
PWS: It’s 1.2 miles into our neighboring county to the south. Been there on several ocassions myse…
Host: Pastor Wilbur, you’ve been to the liquor store?
PWS: Hey, don’t be a stone thrower! I’ve never actually been inside. I just slink down in the back seat along with Brother Jimmy when his 21-year old daughter drives us there and goes into the store.
Host: His 21-year old daughter buys alcohol for you?
PWS: And Brother Jimmy. We let her get some for herself.
Host: But Pastor…
PWS: Hey, I like pouring iced highballs into my reposed countenance on Friday and Saturday nights. What can I say. (Pause.) Jesus drank wine.
Host: But Pastor. Sending in a 21-year old…
PWS: You’ve seen her around town. Butterscotch skin. Honey-blond hair. Teeth so startling they’ve been cleansed by sun gods. (Begins staring off into space.) She doesn’t walk. She bounces. Oh, how I’d love to mingle with that honey-dripping, corn-bred womb…
Host: Pastor Wilbur!!!
PWS: (Snaps out of it.) Oh, yeah, where was I? Oh, yes, but I don’t have to worry about that.
Host: About what?
PWS: About assuming the position with Brother Jimmy’s daughter. She’s a member of True Love Waits. More importantly (winks), I’m happily married to my fifth wife, Rebekkah.
Host: You mentioned something about TV beer ads.
PWS: Yep. Don’t watch ’em.
Host: There you have it, folks. Wisdom personified, direct from the mouth of Pastor Wilbur Straightshooter, pastor of Second Baptist Church of Onhava, Oklahoma. Next week, The Reverend Billy Earnest of Third Presbyterian Church of Muleshoe, Oklahoma will join us for the resounding topic, “The Squalor of Our Lives: Porn Again Christians.” Join us then!
For more information:
Super Bowl-watching tips for religious Oklahomans, part 1 of 3
Super Bowl-watching tips for religious Oklahomans, part 2 of 3
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