You’ve all probably seen James Ray’s latest attempt to set the record firmly crooked, fill it with dung, and then set it on fire. James Arthur Ray has updated his website with a shorter version of the Blood Red Papers “whitepapers” he released previously. This might be my favorite update yet because he’s really starting to sound desperate.
There’s been a lot of criticism about how James Ray’s PR staff and lawyers are doing pretty much the worst job ever, but I don’t think we’re giving them enough credit, I mean, let’s look at what they had to work with. I’ve gone through the trouble of translating this latest release of his back into an approximation of James Ray’s first draft that he gave to his staff.
Dear Fancy Pants,
Please review this with the lawyers for post on my website:
My legal team has interviewed over twenty people, some of which may have even attended one or two of my retreats, although probably not the one I killed all those people at, because those participants don’t really want to talk to me anymore for some weird reason. Together with the best legal team blood money can buy and a PR staff that I’m starting to suspect of slipping me roofies to try to shut me up, we’ve come up with the following public defenses because I can’t stand to listen to that horrible woman over at aerochug.com anymore without responding somehow.
Top 9 Reasons James Ray is innocent!
1. Nuh-uh. People could too leave! Remember, there was that sacrilegious guy who snuck out the back of the death lodge!
2. Since when are various sliced citrus fruits and hoses not adequate medical care for cooking people to death? Since when, huh? I mean, it’s more than I gave those people I covered in accelerant and threw on a bed of hot coals! No really, you don’t hear them complaining about it now do you?
3. Quit calling me a guru guys, you’re making me look bad! I’m not a cult, obviously, because I made participants sign paperwork that promised they wouldn’t let me kill them. I mean, they totally failed to deliver because I did kill them. It’s like it’s their fault or something. I mean, they even signed a paper that promised I wouldn’t be able to coerce them! Have I mentioned before that all my followers are actually psychic and can tell the future so they clearly knew I was going to try and coerce them and they promised they wouldn’t let me, even though I use shady and underhanded methods. I don’t know why all this paperwork means I’m not a cult either, but since I am a cult, I thought I better distract you with something.
4. Stop saying I left the scene! Just because I left to go back to my room in the middle of a full blown medical emergency to shower, eat dinner, and lounge around without pants does not mean I left. I didn’t leave until the cops dragged me out and right past the scene of the crime, and straight to the police station. And let me tell you, I sure did beg to speak with participants about what happened then. I begged and begged but the police seemed to think it was “tampering with witnesses” or something silly like that. I had to wait a whole week after that before I could make a secret call to survivors and try to tamper with them! It wasn’t until the police let me go that I ran away as fast as I possibly could to California. I insist on accuracy people! I didn’t flee, I sat around pantsless! And I can totally explain the no-pants thing too! You see, I have this condition…
5. It’s not my fault because I rented the oven from Angel Valley. They made the oven, so I think that pretty clearly makes it their fault I cooked people. I mean, geez, if it wasn’t for Kool-aid that Jim Jones would have this really awesomely successful career right now. Kool-aid ruined Jim Jones like the Native Americans are ruining me! Crazy Lakotas! Bad!
6. Stop making such a big deal out of it, I only played God once. I mean the fact that it was for like 8 hours or something is totally irrelevant, and I mean I let them go about eating their meal and everything! And furthermore, it’s not even my game! It’s AT&T’s game, so it’s their fault! The iPhone killed James Shore, Kirby Brown, and Liz Neuman, not me!
7. People did too have food and sleep! I mean, I told them not to sleep and dropped them off in the desert without food or water, but they probably slept anyway. It’s not like they were freezing and miserable under the smelly “Peruvian ponchos” I sold them for $250. And those cheating participants usually snuck in 2-3 hours those other nights while I was busy sleeping too. It’s like they don’t even listen if I’m not right there forcing them to do stuff!
8. A quick review of my work clearly shows that talking about death and dying does not rake in the new readers or the big bucks, which is why I have to fill my books and stuff with a whole bunch of other crap before people will let me kill them. Duh. An excellent example of how I focus on the living is my “Please re-live the worst moments of your entire life” worksheet. Also, all that stuff I said about death? I mean, you really can’t take that literally just because I was killing people and I tweeted it before they were dying and told it to them while they were dying, and continued to say stuff after they had died and sometimes even to people who had been resuscitated despite my best efforts. I mean, geez, I obviously didn’t mean it! Can’t you take a joke guys?
9. I am not taking steroids that cloud my judgment. My brain was totally fine when I killed everyone. It wasn’t the drugs, it was me! I never get credit for anything! They weren’t mind-altering drugs; I just wanted to try and hide the fact that I’m getting old, fat, losing my hair and have herpes.
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